The Call – Catalyst
2016 – August
The silence on the phone was deafening. After years of disaster, she finally felt heard. I guess you could say everything that she had dealer with was finally reaching a boiling point. The despair hid easily behind a persona of happiness, a persona that was in place enabling her to pretend that she was in charge of the decisions that had been forced upon her. it was all crumbling.
“I know. you’ll leave when you’re ready.” The voice on the other end of the phone was soft, smooth.
Deep breath. Another deep breath. Her blinking was quickening to stop the water from escaping her gray eyes. “It was nice talking to you.”
Her voice came out weaker than intended. Her pulse was beating so fast, so hard, that you could visibly see it in her neck, on her wrist, you could even see it in the center of her chest.
She would not break down. She would not crumble. She refused. Everything was okay, everything would get better. She just had to stay, she just had to get past this night. This week. This month, perhaps even this year. She could do it. For her kids. She could stay and be the happy wife she pretended to be.
The rest of the night was a blur. The uncomfortable couch caused pain regardless of how she sprawled out. The springs dug into her hips, into her spine, into her shoulders. The baby in her arms, fast asleep. Drool poured out of his perfect little lips onto her collarbone. Closing her eyes, she replayed the conversation over and over again. How could a perfect stranger see through her happy facade? How could this strange man see through her facade so transparently?
Paul was supposed to be a distraction. Someone to talk to while her husband was out prowling the town for somewhere to stick his meat in. It wasn’t supposed to leave a mark like this. Harmless flirting at most, but not this. This was too real. The pain inside here slowly began to pour out. How had her life turned out like this? Her mind wandered over the course of the last few years. The different moments she could have chosen to leave.
Only a few months had passed since the last affair had ended. A few months since the pain of finding evidence over and over and over again had left its scars. Here we were again. At least with the newest agreement, the agreement to open their marriage, it felt as if it was her choice. As if she had some control over what was going to happen. It couldn’t shock her, it couldn’t hurt her, if she knew.
The moment he told her that he was attracted to yet another woman, the choice was obvious. So she chose, she did what she had to to try not only to keep her sanity, but to keep her family together for her two sons. She allowed him to pursue this young girl. She allowed him to cheat. She allowed him to worsen what little of a relationship they had left to salvage. The least poisonous of two evils. In the midst of her thoughts, sleep finally found her. The world seemed at peace in this state. Nothing more to worry about. Nothing to feel. Just empty darkness coming over her.
Clutching her youngest to her chest, she listened as Jasper screamed.
“How dare you tell her what we do? How dare you betray me like this! You’re a fucking selfish bitch, do you know that? All of this,” Jasper waved his arms wildly, gesturing towards the kids and the walls of the living room he now stood in. “this is all your fault. Only one of us is making it out of here alive tonight.” Moving swiftly he yanked the cell phone out of her free hand. His eyes looked empty as he stared at her. The room became hot, filled with the venom he brought with him.
Suddenly wide awake, Chloe had no idea what was going on or when he came in. “What are you talking about? Do you mean that I told your mistress about us cuddling last night? Is that really what all of this is about?” A few shallow breaths, steadying herself, she attempted to appear like fear hadn’t completely taken her over. She sat straight up, her body moving slower than she realized. The infant in her arms was the only thing hiding the terrible tremors coursing through her entire body.
“All I ever did was take care of you. But you never loved me. You think I’m ugly, you’ve used me. You don’t care about anyone but your god-damned self.” The shouting continued as Jasper. picked up the over-sized box fan he had bought for Chloe a few months prior, his screaming continued, falling upon deaf ears. After many years, Chloe managed the art of tuning tantrums like these out, it always eventually ends. The box fan hit the wall and ricocheted towards the sleeping toddler on the floor. It missed by barely two inches.
Tears started pouring out now, she couldn’t hold them back anymore. The burning hot tears mixed with fear, anguish, and anger. The scene that escalated before her was worse than anything he had ever done before. There had never been a time where she was scared for her children’s life. Never a time when she truly believed that he may physically attack her. This night seemed different. The rage felt heavy, it was stealing all of the air out of the room. Her chest was aching with the effort it took to breathe. Every ounce of her wanted to scream, to run, to make as much noise as possible to try to gather attention towards their house. Instead of doing any of these things, she froze. The fight or flight response inside of her chose wrong.
The color drained from her skin, her mouth dried.
“I loved you, I just wanted you to love me too. It’s your fault we’re in this mess, it’s your fault that I was seeing her to begin with. You never touch me, you never talk to me. I’m alone. I can’t fucking believe you would betray my trust like this. You stupid bitch. This is all your fault.” The venom continued to spew, his face was beet red as spit began to escape from his mouth. Jasper turned towards the bedroom door, the movement was animal-like. Quicker than she had ever seen him move before. The screaming continued, muffled from the distance and the walls.
Chloe stayed frozen in place. Somehow both of her sons had stayed asleep through this. Her stomach felt heavy, her throat felt like it was closing. Gasping for air, she realized she might puke. Looking around the room she saw no way out. The door was too far away, there was no way she could carry her infant through it, and retrieve her eldest before he came back. He still had her phone, no other phone existed in the house. The walls closed in, the room getting smaller and smaller. There was no escape from this, no out. The certainty of death weighed on her. A few days ago it would have been welcomed, she had considered giving up. Staring her in the face, it wasn’t as appealing. She couldn’t leave her sons behind like this. There’s no way she’d allow it.
The gun appeared in the corner of her eyes. The steel is dark grey, nearly black. The guns handle a fake wood that reminded her of the color of a chipmunk. It pointed straight at her, inching closer and closer. Jasper appeared behind it, staring her down. He shouted something but she heard nothing. This was it. This was the end. No way out. He was going to shoot her while holding their infant son, with their toddler a few feet away. This can’t be real. This has to be a dream. Maybe if she tried hard, she would wake up and go on with her night. He continued staring her down, the confusion on his face reminded her that it was time to respond.
“Then shoot me.” The words tumbled out in a low, raspy voice she didn’t recognize. With this, her body ceased shaking. “Shoot me.” She refused to beg anymore. She refused to bow down and ask for forgiveness. If this is how it ends for her, at least she finally spoke up. She finally found a voice. The silence in the air felt less thick than the rage from before. They stared at each other, both refusing to look away.
“You don’t actually want me to shoot you. You just think I won’t. This is just a game to you. I’ll blow your fucking brains out. I swear to god I will.” His voice came out uneven. His body stiffened. The dark bushy eyebrows covering his light olive eyes as his face portrayed the emotion that she had grown accustomed to. The hatred and rage shot like daggers into her soul. Sweat drenched her body as she attempted to conceal the tremors that were growing inside of her.
“I don’t care anymore, just do it. Shoot me. Go ahead.” The adrenaline surge she had experienced drained from her body. The tears dried. Everything was heavy. It was as if she turned into a deflated jumbo man. No muscles left to keep her up.
The muscular body that was moments ago full of rage before her, crumbled to the ground. The only sound left in the house were sobs. Large, breathless sobs that would normally force empathy from others. Minutes passed with just this sound. Minutes turned into what felt like hours with no one moving.
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done this..” His hand shot up, a phone in the center of it. “Call the police, I deserve it. I was so so so wrong. You didn’t deserve this Chloe, I deserve to go to jail.” Muffled defeat came through interrupting the sobs coming from Jasper. The muscular body before her was curled up on the floor, his knees tucked under him. Only his back was visible. The shaking sobs causing it to move up and down like an angry wave.
“It’s fine, Jasper.” Chloe carefully placed Liam into his bassinet. “It’s fine.” Grabbing the phone from his hands, she turns it back on. “I won’t call the cops. Will you please just leave?” Her body felt like jelly with each movement. It felt like her body wasn’t under her control. Her chest rose and fell too quickly, still tight with panicky.
“I’m so sorry, this won’t happen again, I promise. I swear I wasn’t going to hurt you.” Jasper sat up, the sobs finally ceasing. It was apparent at this point he couldn’t even make eye contact with her.
This broken man in front of her was supposed to love her. In sickness and in health, ‘til death do them part. The vows from their wedding day vibrated through her mind. She made a promise that day, to herself and to him. It was never supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be him that chose when death would do them part. They were supposed to be a team that made the other half better, not kill each other.
The orange light began to stream in through the window, Chloe’s throat felt swollen shut. The tears still wet on her porcelain skin. Is this all there is left to life? A state of constant chaos, a driving force – fear – behind every thought and every action to be chosen. Her chest shook with each breath. Breathe, Chloe, breathe. The burn in her eyes could be caused from the tears shed, or the lack of sleep. At this point she was completely uncertain. The up and down of her 8 month old son’s chest was the only comfort she had in this moment. The baby breath smell surrounding her as she cuddled this innocent child to her bosom.
Jasper was asleep in his bed, giving her a moment of pause. Why was this man still here? The adrenaline pulsing through her veins once more as she looked towards the front door, longing to leave this hell that she had been a part of building for the last five years. If she chose to leave he had already made it clear that she wouldn’t be taking the children with her. The doubt of survival without him is ever present in her mind.
Who was this woman that she had turned into? This woman who accepted anger as an expression of love. Accepted callousness as warmth. A shell of a human. That’s what she was, the longer she stayed the more this realization was blatantly in front of her face. Death would be better than this.
She had to come up with a plan, and fast. Who knows when he would finally snap.
July – 2016
The next few weeks were spent making phone calls and researching. Preparations had to be made if she was going to survive this.
With so many moving pieces, she was concerned. If he found out that she was leaving, he already told her that he would end her and make sure it looked like suicide. Never once had she imagined she’d need to leave a signed note anywhere stating that she didn’t kill herself.
The bags were packed with as much as she could bring without him noticing. Clothes, shower supplies, pictures, and a laptop all hid inside of a black fake leather gym bag in a corner of her bedroom. Tonight she was as ready as she’d ever been when Jasper left for work.
Grabbing the bags, and her sleeping children Chloe carefully rushed everything and everyone to her black Nissan. All that was left was to buckle Liam into his infant seat. His was always the most difficult, the left side never wanted to work properly.
As she finally heard the click, headlights blinded her. With her hand, she did her best to shield her grey eyes. He was back.
To be continued
